listening to serenity loop as i freewrite this ~ 2.27.24

what does serenity synth mean to me and how has it been meaningful. what has this journey been like for me and how may it be perceived by others

i want to share the serenity of sound with the community. building this synth has been a sanctuary for me and a way to process my thoughts and emotions. during this entire process, a genocide has been taking place. each day when i feel like things couldn’t get worse they did. working was hard and going to school was hard. “normality” felt pointless and fake. all i could think about was resistance and innocent lives lost. meanwhile i turned 25, quarter life and a lot of things in my life were changing. the way i was orienting myself in relationships and the way that i relate to myself i could feel was shifting and that shifting feeling was ungrounding and often scary to think about.

during this time i embarked on a journey into electronics and coding. when times get tough i find that music and sound is the one thing i understand that can save me and bring me to serenity. what is serenity, its like a state of peace and calm. still like pond light ripples.

sometimes i find this state in various times — like on the dancefloor. its a place for mental refuge. but you have to find it and search for it - within yourself and within the sound. it comes in a different form every time. its ephemeral and its never permanent and thats what makes it feel so special. its what you need in the moment.

ive learned so much about patience and trusting process through this. there have been moments where i was unsure of how this would turn out and then one day you find a pocket and its beautiful. this pocket is playing now.

there is something special about feeling like there is breathing life in a machine. a machine that really is a part of me and also a life of itself. its also a part of collaboration and a part of friendship.

making this synth would not have been possible in its form with out my friend mason who embarked on a large part of this journey. it wouldnt have been possible without lita. i have so much love for her. making this synth showed me about support and help from others and how that can create a beautiful thing. serenity held me.

serenity is what i have been seeking and searching for during times of overwhelm. in the wake of a genocide i found myself yearning for this. dreaming of this. there is no violence in this machine now. there is only love. every part was made with love and gentle care and intention. utopia.

there is no violence but there is discomfort. it is only through the discomfort when you discover a pocket of serenity. serenity is not forever… although dont i wish it was… but if it was forever we wouldnt be able to find a new.

( maybe at a point there was violence. there was a part before this where the delay was degrading itself, but only at certain boundaries. )